The past three months have been extremely challenging as I am in another depressive episode. I was off work for almost 7 weeks and it took a lot out of me to drag myself to work as my anxiety to return to work was overwhelming. As a mental health nurse, everything I have learned and my experience in supporting clients with mental health challenges does not mean anything in my own recovery.
Feelings of confusion and utter helplessness for not being able to use the various tools that I preach daily to my clients to use to help get them through the darkest hours does not even closely describe what my experience with depression is like. Depression is a word that is ubiquitous, heard by many, but understood only by those who have touched the blackness of it that threatens to engulf and shallow you whole.
The past four weeks I have been struggling to maintain my work plan and I have missed work days here and there. As I haven’t been working full time for the past 3 months, I am struggling to pay my debt and my partner isn’t able to cover everything for the both of us. My account has been seeing red for three months now. It has definitely ruined my credit standing. It will be difficult for me to get a loan after this.
This week is when I start working full time again. Still, I missed work yesterday because I had a cold. I was relieved that I had a cold because I have a reason apart from my depression to not go to work. Work today was slow and dreadful. I felt drained just being there. I am not even doing anything much at work apart from administrative stuff. Despite all the struggles, I am truly blessed to have colleagues who have been kind and supportive. This is what makes the days seem easier.