Since my first episode of depression mid of last year, I have continued to remain stoic as that was how I know how to cope with difficult times. I grew up learning to be indifferent and strong whenever faced with difficulties and just push through. This coping method has worked well for me the past 34 years but it is no longer working well for me anymore. I am learning to allow others to care for me instead of pushing everyone away because I do not know how to be vulnerable. My experiences throughout childhood, adolescent and adulthood has been to minimise my experience of sexual, emotional and physical abuse and stay strong by minimising what has happened to me.
It is difficult to let the advise of the psychiatrist sink in when she said that I need to let others care for me. I find it extremely difficult to do. I have no idea how to let my guard down. Despite not being able to let my guard down, I am no longer able to pull myself together and push through this current depressive episode. It feels like this is never going to end and when it does, it will haunt me again sometime later.
I have been going to work daily for the past 3 weeks but really, it is not helping with my recovery. Talking to the psychiatrist yesterday made me realise that I need to accept her recommendation of taking time off work until my mental health is better. My mental distress is manifesting physically in a variety of ways, from headaches, to dizziness, aches and pain, joint pain and extreme fatigue. Yet, I still pushed through the days at work a day at a time, feeling totally drained when I get home. I am finally at home starting today to go on medical leave. I am unsure how long I would be on medical leave for and this time around, I am letting my treating team decide what is best for me as I no longer know what is best for myself.