There is Kindness in this World

Sorry for going quiet for almost 3 weeks. Works has been hectic and stressful since I started 40 hour work weeks since March 1st. I will try to write more often. But, it might be quite scattered for the next couple of months until I find my footing again, juggling a psychology paper and full time work.

When you have a childhood that is riddled with abuse, I guess, it’s only natural to grow up untrusting and cynical about everything that happens in life. Growing up, I craved acknowledgement and acceptance and was willing to bend over backwards for anyone who was willing to be my friend. I would go out on a limb to help a friend in need, never expecting anything in return. I learned to never ask for help, because I believed that I wouldn’t get any. The voice in my head would tell me: “Your own parents don’t even care for you, what makes you think that a friend would want to help you?” Despite believing this, I would still help those that I consider as close friends, because I know what it is like to not feel loved. I did not want my close friend to feel unloved, uncared for as well.

As a young adult, I eventually started to realise that my insistence of helping and always being there for my close friends at the expense of my own needs, was not a healthy way to maintain friendships or romantic relationships. My need to feel accepted and loved was so strong that I sacrificed my own needs to fulfil needs of those that I care most. Since moving to NZ, I have not had many opportunities to foster close friendships. I used to think that it is mostly due to cultural differences, but, lately, I am starting to realise that I have erected a wall in my heart, not wanting to feel ‘abandoned again’ by close friends that I have experienced most of my life. This feeling of ‘abandonment’ is probably just my inability to logically process or look at situations in a different perspective. Most times, I get blindsided by my amygdala (emotional brain), which takes over and the pre-frontal cortex (rational brain) gets stifled and muzzled. It all boils down to my anxieties about social relationships and what is expected of me to be a good friend.

My work has been stressful, but for the first time in my adult life, have I experienced genuine support and care for my well-being from my work colleagues. Since my depressive episode mid of 2020, I have been open to my colleagues about my mental health struggles and they have offered support and assistance on a daily basis, always checking in on me and asking how I’m coping with work. It still all just feels very surreal to me, and my cynical mind goes into overload, my critical/suspicious voice in my head tells me that these gestures of support can’t be sincere. But, I think tonight, I am going to bury this voice away into the deep recesses of my mind and accept the kindness that is being shown to me on a daily basis and to practice gratitude. Also, at the same time, I am going to allow myself to grief for the lost childhood and to feel the sadness that I feel because my parents did not extent the same kindness to me as how my colleagues have the past couple of weeks. Things are getting better.

8 Comments

  1. Avethandwa says:

    I relate to this very much. What you experience from the neglecting you got from your parents; I am still in that realm. God, being good to us, He makes a way for us to find comfort in ending.
    You’re already there- you have won your battle

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for dropping by my blog and sharing your experience here with me. I am still on my journey to healing and recovery and it does help that I have found people around me that is supportive, of all places, work mates, which I have never thought I would ever be able to find this kind of connection. I count my blessings and this alone reminds me that there are kind people in the world and I know, you will too! 🙂 The only thing that is permanent in life is change. I tell myself this every single day.

      Like

      1. Avethandwa says:

        Very true…
        How I wish people can take a moment to breathe- and breathe out. The hurt and pain is too much

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree… We have to remind ourselves that we need to slow things down and learn to do nothing, instead of trying to distract our pain by being busy all the time.

        Like

      3. Avethandwa says:

        But how can 1 just stay calm in the midst of so much that is going

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      4. I know it is difficult and I’m sorry that you’re in such a tough time. Focus on what’s important to you now…think of your values and what makes life meaningful to you. Keeping you in my prayers

        Like

      5. Avethandwa says:

        Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

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