Roller Coaster Ride

Last Thursday, I felt the best I have felt in a very long time. Why did I feel good about myself last Thursday? The reason is simple enough: I had enough mental reserve to provide a distressed client the mental and emotional support that she needed at the time. I can’t say more about the encounter due to confidentiality, but, what I can say is that it felt good to be able to support someone else and direct my focus away from my own mental health struggles to give another some reprieve from theirs. This warm, fuzzy feeling lasted for the rest of Thursday evening. It was short lived though…Come Friday, my mental health started to take a dive and at this very moment of writing this, I can feel myself plunging into the depths of darkness, the darkness that pulls you in, deeper and deeper, until there is nothing left to feel, apart from the emptiness and vast open void that you feel inside.

I am getting hooked with so many thoughts and feelings and I know what I need to do to diffuse and unhook myself from these unhelpful thoughts and feelings. Believe me, all I have been doing since Friday morning was that every chance I get an ounce of strength… to ground, re-centre and bring myself back to my present self… damn it! I even have a worksheet that my psychologist have given me to jot down how it went each time I used diffusing and unhooking strategies… it isn’t working. I think the reason why I am writing this post is because I need to try and quiet my thoughts, quiet my feelings … suppressing and numbing is not really working for me anymore. Supressing and numbing was all I used all these years to cope, and it isn’t working anymore. What do I do? What do I do?!

4 Comments

  1. Shewian_she says:

    I don’t know if my answer will be stupid but let the pain be felt and stop yourself from numbing it. Sometimes, that’s all we need.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reminding me this… What you’ve said isn’t stupid at all! Thank you ❤️. Only by feeling can we move through to the other side.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Shewian_she says:

    You know, I’m not good as any experts but I am willing to listen to your story if you need someone to talk to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the offer. Sometimes, all we need is just someone to listen. No experts required ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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