Festive Seasons – Chinese New Year

I’ve missed work again today.

I had a breakdown this morning, sobbing at the breakfast table.

Feeling utterly overwhelmed

Wounds of the past, festering

Being brought back to the past

Preparing for Chinese New Year dishes for offerings and reunion meals

I hear my mother’s taunts of my incompetence as I tried my best to do her bidding in the kitchen.

“Not like that, you’re not slicing garlic right!”

“Make sure you don’t burn the garlic!”

“Turn the fire down!”

“Hurry up!”

How I’ve buried all these hurt

It’s festering now, pulling me down

Old wounds bleeding fresh again

Paralysing me, more tears

I missed work again

I feel defeated, a failure

My mother was right, “You never do things right!”

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Longing

As a child

I longed for your attention

The youngest born

With three older siblings

I was never good enough

Never smart enough

Never pretty enough

I became stale

The novelty of babies gone

You said I was easy

No tears, no fuss, no sickness

Still, there’s no sweet affection

An unwanted child, you said

A reminder when I disappoint

Drilled into my childhood psyche

That lingers on

Mother, why did you despise me?

Why the cold, chilly existence

Which engulf me, even in death, I disappoint

When all my life

I wanted so bad to please

To make you proud

Too late now

No chance for redemption

Only anger left in me, replacing the longing of a child I once was

And I find peace…

I finally found peace.

Hopelessness

Sharing a poem that I wrote on my Tumblr blog Confabulatingthoughts. I wrote this on January, 1st, 2015.

There are times when I feel all is dark Engulfing my heart and my soul

And no matter how hard I try to climb out I fall deeper into the murkiness of the darkness that unfolds

I know that life never pans out the way we plan it to I know that life is mostly tough and sometimes blissful I wonder if the Buddha understood this

When suffering is abundant and relief is nowhere to be seen

What makes humans so persistent

That positive thinking is the perspective we all need

To survive life’s tribulation, affliction and grief?

What makes humans so delusional

To belief that what we’ve lost is meant to be?

I don’t know the answers to these questions

Neither am I going to attempt to answer them

As I only know that we should live life as it comes

And not hide behind philosophies that cloud the mind

And the realities we all have to endure

Just so that it makes it a little more bearable

When it really isn’t at all.

Here is the link to my tumblr site if anyone’s interested: https://confabulatingthoughts.tumblr.com/post/106739048043/hopelessness