I’ve missed work again today.
I had a breakdown this morning, sobbing at the breakfast table.
Feeling utterly overwhelmed
Wounds of the past, festering
Being brought back to the past
Preparing for Chinese New Year dishes for offerings and reunion meals
I hear my mother’s taunts of my incompetence as I tried my best to do her bidding in the kitchen.
“Not like that, you’re not slicing garlic right!”
“Make sure you don’t burn the garlic!”
“Turn the fire down!”
How I’ve buried all these hurt
It’s festering now, pulling me down
Old wounds bleeding fresh again
Paralysing me, more tears
I missed work again
I feel defeated, a failure
My mother was right, “You never do things right!”
As a child
I longed for your attention
The youngest born
With three older siblings
I was never good enough
Never smart enough
Never pretty enough
I became stale
The novelty of babies gone
You said I was easy
No tears, no fuss, no sickness
Still, there’s no sweet affection
An unwanted child, you said
A reminder when I disappoint
Drilled into my childhood psyche
That lingers on
Mother, why did you despise me?
Why the cold, chilly existence
Which engulf me, even in death, I disappoint
When all my life
I wanted so bad to please
To make you proud
Too late now
No chance for redemption
Only anger left in me, replacing the longing of a child I once was
And I find peace…
I finally found peace.
Sharing a poem that I wrote on my Tumblr blog Confabulatingthoughts. I wrote this on January, 1st, 2015.
There are times when I feel all is dark Engulfing my heart and my soul
And no matter how hard I try to climb out I fall deeper into the murkiness of the darkness that unfolds
I know that life never pans out the way we plan it to I know that life is mostly tough and sometimes blissful I wonder if the Buddha understood this
When suffering is abundant and relief is nowhere to be seen
What makes humans so persistent
That positive thinking is the perspective we all need
To survive life’s tribulation, affliction and grief?
What makes humans so delusional
To belief that what we’ve lost is meant to be?
I don’t know the answers to these questions
Neither am I going to attempt to answer them
As I only know that we should live life as it comes
And not hide behind philosophies that cloud the mind
And the realities we all have to endure
Just so that it makes it a little more bearable
When it really isn’t at all.
Here is the link to my tumblr site if anyone’s interested: https://confabulatingthoughts.tumblr.com/post/106739048043/hopelessness