Everything I am doing is towards mt recovery. Every decision I make on a daily basis is rooted on ‘doing the work’. The constant juggling of emotions, thoughts, exercise, work, studies and self care is exhausting. My therapist reminded me that I have come a long way from where I was at 13 months ago. My rational brain knows that what he said holds true in my recovery journey, but, I haven’t reached a point where I feel totally comfortable in acknowledging that just yet.
Ever since I started this blog a couple of weeks ago, I have only been writing about pain, trauma, depression and hopelessness. While out for my run earlier today, I feel like it is time for me to write something more uplifting, as a reminder to myself that everything is not all bad in my life.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years now. For many years, I have made things so difficult for the both of us because I did not have any insight into my mental health. I was unwilling to admit to myself that I was depressed and anxious because I thought it was a sign of weakness, a sign that I was losing control of my life, a sign that was broken.Thus, I have inadvertently been needy and emotionally dependent on her all these years without even realising it. When she distanced herself from me during the times I was overbearing, I accused her for being insensitive and for not loving me as much as I love her. She has never raised her voice at me whenever we fight, while I would fly into a rage, make accusations and gaslight her. I became the ugliest version of myself and I was oblivious that I was hurting her and pushing her away, despite flailing desperately to bring her closer to me.
I just want to dedicate this post to her for her patience, understanding, tolerance, compromise and love for a broken person like myself. She has been my unwavering anchor and support all these years and I am forever indebted to her. I want to be a better person for her and no longer hurt her the way I used to. I know now what I need to do to be the best version of me when it comes to loving her.